♫ tell me why ... I don't like Mondays ... tell me why...♫

Oh yes - there is a reason the boom town rats did this song ... oh yes yes yes ..... I don't like Monday - and I can tell you why ....

NO BLINKING AUDIENCE !!!!!

empty - kaput - zip - zero - Nada  - void - empty - echo - NO- ONE ...

How many years have I done music - a few times at shows - and a couple of fringes - I have never had an empty show...

So I sat for a while .. in my Panda suit ... had a scratch or two.... FLEES dam FLEES ....

Had a crab race ... you don't want to know !!!

Set up the mics - and had a nice session of music all to myself ... sort of masturbation with a guitar ... I had a great time... must do it again ... at a less expensive destination ....

No matter what anyone says - this years fringe has been quiet .. I keep seeing that venues are full and queues for shows are happening ...... from the people who organise the fringe  !!!!  but non of the acts are saying this. None of the big venues seem over subscribed. In fact if you want tickets to any shows you can get them. Now that's not normal.

The comedy stand-up Irish comedians I had before my show had a reasonable crowd in most nights - but their takings were worse than mine !!!!

The new Irish comedians just started on Sunday - have had small audiences and finished 15 mins early every time. So I guess I should be OK with what's happening at my show?

But no - not really - I am not going to do Edinburgh again next year .. I am thinking of Brighton .. or maybe not a fringe at all - maybe a festival ???? Maybe the May festival on the Summerisle ?? (wickerman) ... now that's a festival !!!! Wonder if Bit Ekland has worn well with age .. if its only wrinkles ... I can help her with that :) :) (show reference ..)

who knows .. but its all fun being a bareguitarist ....

Back to future - to the past - to the future - part 22

well it feels like Back to future - to the past - to the future - part 22 - as I am now on the 5th iteration of the show...

I like the sharper edgy - in your FACE !!!! stuff ... the evacuating audiences didn't. I liked the fast moving jokes, less music .. the audience didn't.

So I am Earl Okin then ... well let me look at this.

Did Ed free fringe and Ed fringe for years - not the most popular with fixed Fringe type of audiences - famous, well known, but has a certain humour that either fits or doesn't. Stopped doing the fringe as he was having audiences who really did not understand what he was doing - and now does circuits around the UK. YEP .. that sounds about right.

OK - so back to the standard type of format it is. Its a Sunday, I have changed the show with .. LOADS .....of time to spare (3.2 mins) now to execute... and I know, all too well, that I am not going to have a clue in what order, what is coming and when... YIPPPPEEEE !!!! (Valium .. where's my Valium ... )

Caesar on stage .. Brutus in the audience .. knife at the ready ... audience in .. and we start. No sound ... great ... so sort this out then as we go along I guess. A coffee drinking guy with motor cycle leathers comes in and joins the audience. GREAT ... of all nights , of all times, of all my bloody luck .. a critic pops in on the fly !!!!!! THANK YOU GOD !!!!!! where is the lightening then ? where is the boils and sores ??????

Sound sorted about 1/3rd through ..  and slides appearing from places they were not supposed to. Got caught with a guitar in my hand - when I was supposed to have the UKE ... and trying to make this look smooth.

Well.... show went OK (ish) I guess, the format was somewhat mixed up. But you know - its all OK compared to BRUTUS !!! who I know is going to comment again later ... yes - I can hear your knifes being sharpened !! :)

Feedback from the show was OK - and in all seriousness thanks to those who have taken time to give it. I feel so much .... so much ..... well .... so much like ... where is that rope again .........

Its onwards and onto Monday night for the bare guitarist .. oh what fun ....

Teacher ...Stand up - or sit down ?

So its Friday night - some friends up .. some changes made to the show - some smoothing over of the harsh parts of the show ... and now its time to run it through.

See - I listened to the comedy club ... and quite honestly, I am not a stand up .. more of a sit down, slow burning type, with anecdotes and amusing pieces of information intermixed with some factual information and music ....

FACTUAL INFORMATION !!! OMG ... I have become a .... no please ... no I cant have ... NOOOOOOOOOOO ... a TEACHER !!!!!!!

where's the rope - that's it - I am going to hang myself ...

well OK not quite - but I guess I deliver funny situations best around a story - than a hard hitting comedy stand-up. The facts were there to see. I got the best responses and the most pleased crowds when I just did this type of delivery. This is more true when you consider that I can do some hard and fast stuff, but on walk-ons, the 5 or 10 min step onto stage stuff, but in one hour, its just not me.

My visiting "friends" (yes et tu Brutus !!! ) were happy to give me this feedback also. It was the ides of March all over again ....

Thanks Goodness I have Saturday night off. I can sit recount my thoughts, lick my wounds, take some Valium, read my self help books, listen to my positive reinforcement tapes, and cry hopelessly in a dark corner ...

Yes I HAVE FEELINGS TOO !!!!!! ... well OK maybe not - but I can pretend to have them .. to make you merciless critics feel bad ... :) :)

Good feed-back - and time to re-think the show back into its more gentle format.

4th version of the show .. and I feel like a knackered Bare guitarist !!!!

How to make friends and influence people.

Thats it then ... tonight - tonight - TONIGHT - I am going to really sharpen this show. I am going to take it to the very edge of taste and comedy. I am going to be 3/4 Bernard Manning ... 1/2 Chubby Brown ..... and 1/3 rd The sooty show ... oh yes ... TONIGHT !!!

So I did - I trimmed the show - I set up the comedy - sharpened up the wording - took out some of the music - and went for it ..

I started the show with about 20 people... two women who were clearly struggling with English left fairly quickly. OK - but I knew they would as even the introduction was a struggle for them..

I seemed to be going OK .. then as I was pushing the show along went into Zombie ... now Zombie is based around the deepest superstitions of Ju-ju in Africa ... one of the most powerful things is the ability to raise someone from the dead ......

a group of about 6 or 7 had all come in together ... this group had one very Africa looking girl. I can say that,  as it the same look as my cousins have when they come over to visit. Its a dress style, head scarf tied in a certain way etc. I guess its like seeing someone wearing a Kilt in London .. you may be wrong in your presumptions, but bet you're not far off.  So into Zombie ... within seconds - this young girl had knocked over 4 chairs in a panic, grabbed her bag, and was heading for the door like a bolt of lightening - followed by her friends, who I am guessing had zero idea of what was going on. I knew. I had seen this type of panic before in girls in Africa for lessor reasons... but to sing a song about one of the most feared cult religions and one of the strongest and most powerful aspects of it ... she was OFF ...

OK John - its not a good day then. we are now down to a handful. All going well. I am stumbling a bit as I cant explain to the audience what they have just seen, without it all sounding a bit un-real .. so to top this, I went into some cracks related to people from Wales ... Africa .. and Scotland. just mild tempered references I have in the show. Well, "gim me your glass lass" I heard from an Edinburgh chappie to his wife. "you're No funny laddie" .. and he hit the doors.  I am not sure who they were really .....

Those who know me .. know that I restrained by the spirit of the Fringe at this point.. as I had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to smack the idiot. So its ok to joke about everyone else - but how dare I crack a joke about Scottish !!!! I do hate people like that.

So nearly an empty room - atmosphere GONE .... my temperament GONE ... I just wound the show to its end.

So I am going to change a couple of things - and try this same format tomorrow ...

After all - its about being a bare-faced guitarist !!!!

Football ??? WHAT FOOTBALL ??

Another day for the show. got a good crowd in at 7.15 ... who then rapidly dissipated at 7.43 - leaving a handful in the audience. FOOTBALL ? oh right an Irish pub, with Ireland playing, based in Scotland, with Scotland playing, with a number of English tourists ... with England playing, and I nearly lost my token Auzzie .. but I don't think she was that bothered about the game and seemed more interested in her jug of pimms. Good old Auzzies ....

To be fair - and I must say if he thought he could do it without his wife beating him to a pulp .. I nearly lost my last Scottish bloke ... but he sat patiently through the whole show ...  I felt sorry for him and finished it early (by 5 mins) ..

The show is always harder to generate atmosphere without a crowd .. and I have been hearing that crowds are down by 2/3rds - but that doesn't make too much difference to me - it more about having a good time. I Feared the worse though when I got 3 of the MOST miserable old people into the show. I am normally happy to work with the crowd .. but these 3 were the MOST MOST MOST miserable people I have ever seen. They left  after about 20 mins - and I was pleased to see them go. Note to self ... slap the next people I see who come into my show like that .... It was like having 3 grim reapers visit .. shudder at the thought... and the Auzzie made the comment when they left that they would have had a heart attack had they sat through the show ... know what I think she is right .. who knows maybe they were having a bad day? shouldn't judge I suppose...

I tried a different entrance .. well wont be doing that again .. it would work in a large stage production .. but fell flat on its face .... and a huge wet patch was left on the floor as a consequence... DONT ASK !!!

I even had my hand puppet Panda out with me handing out leaflets tonight .. and he works a treat ... BUT for the fact that it was pouring with rain... and I went into the show smelling like a wet dog .. or Panda ... I could actually feel the wet floor under my feet as the wet panda suit dripped onto the floor. Well that's 2 things I am not going to do again then ....

I have had my beermats delivered today - an emergency print from Pinksheep.co.uk .. thanks guys ... after being let down in the most unprofessional and bunch of useless individuals called Mosaic printing ... I have left my feedback in them on every site I could find .... DO NOT USE THEM - EVER !!!

I am going to reverse a few changes to the show ... I didn't like them all .. but hey that's part of the fun when you are a bareguitarist x

Third Night of Panda Time

After a second night to forget ... I had a shandy or two and the world was back to normal .... well as normal as it gets dressed as a Panda and performing for an hour solo ...

Tonight was a nice crowd... I seem to attract a vast number of Spanish to my shows .. and again 6 Spanish young girls were in attendance along with some very nice Scottish couples. They were a nice bunch, reasonably good English, but I had to slow the show down for them to get a grip of some of the comedy points... The Scottish that is - not the Spanish :) :)

The Spanish girls were giddy and whilst they did not get all the jokes - were happily sing along to the songs. Once again - Zombie Jamboree caught the most want-to-be signers at the top of their voices... funny thing about that song .. it sticks in the brain, and then is one of those songs that you cant shake loose for a while.

All in all a good night, I do prefer it when I enjoy it also, after all, its not the money I can tell you !!

I changed the show around again for tonight performance - and I was a lot more comfortable with it. It has got to a point where the bar staff recognise me .. as I do have to wander behind the bar to get my equipment and props for the show...

I had my eye on KFC tonight .. but after picking up some supplies .. they had SHUT !!! well burgers it was .. nice, and as I had not got around to eating that much today, a welcome feast ... but the extra thick ones I get a real buggers to cook, and always fill the house with smoke .. cue the fire alarm .... which is now down from the ceiling and not going to be bleeping all night.

I am not being tempted to do any additional shows at the moment, its nice to focus on just mine.

I promise I will post some photos tomorrow night .. which I have to finish early due to some televised sport or another ... but for now... its bed time for this bareguitarist !!!

xx

When the first night is better than the second !!!

I know ... It doesn't say anywhere that you get better every night ... But my show tend to ... At least until tonight ....

So was it the guitar ? Was it the stage not being in its normal place ? Was it the moon not being full ? Was it 4 pissy little girls who were more interested in their mobile phone ... Giggling away at some text or texts ?

Or was it just that I had not eaten or had a shandy or two ?

It's the pissy girls !!!!!!

No - just not in the mood I guess today .. Always an anti climax when friends go home and you are doing everything solo ... But I will get over it ... The upside of not having an air of farting in the flat is always nice :) :) joking chaps !!

So yes - I took the biggest pot for what I consider to be the crapist performance ... What's that about I don't know ?

Right so the blog of the show .. I changed the show tonight ... That didn't work .. As the only way I could get rid of a bunch of teenage 30 something's ( mentally teenage as the three main idiots were both physically and mentally) was to revert to leaving the room in the hope they would piss off !!! They did ... But the show must have been disappointing for the ones who were genuine nice people ...

I hate that !! People deserve a performance .... Unless they are pissy little girls of course ....

Onwards to tomorrow I guess .... Tonight is a couple of pints of guinness and fish and chips takeaway .... Note to self - do some shopping tomorrow ...

Ah well - its all fun and high living being a bareguitarist :)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone